note/reminder to self: there is absolutely nothing gratifying about blaming your troubles on someone who doesn’t care about you.

i am me, i am the ONLY me who has ever and will ever exist, and dammit myself to hell if i base my own happiness on the views, opinions, or actions of other people.

this is my only chance TO BE MYSELF on this planet, i am human ONCE, my soul may reincarnate, but i REFUSE to live this life as if i have 100 others to live.

this is MY soul, MY body, MY existence, and MY opportunity to find happiness … or, from an existentialist perspective, MY OWN MEANING OF LIFE.

who are you? you may play a role in the lessons i learn. you may help shape the person i am to become, and you may have an impact on the thoughts and perceptions i continue to form as i grow older.

BUT by no means whatsoever will you determine the attitude with which i wake up in the morning. i will strive for contentment and understanding til the day my time has come, whenever and however that may be.

here’s to me, here’s to you, and here’s to giving each other a fucking break. we’re only human after all, and judgment will be the end to all of us.

i think the craziest thing about death and grief is that life continues moving around you regardless. i’ve watched myself and others close to me experience crippling sadness over a loss, but despite the fact that life FEELS like it stops, the world still changes and buzzes around you. you can pretend the world is ending, or you can adapt with it. i had a friend tell me that if one of her parents died she’d go insane and never come back. and it’s odd, because trying to imagine that immense amount of grief is overwhelming, and insanity seems like a viable result. but when you consider the cycle of life, the cycle of grieving must be considered as well. everything comes full circle. anyhow this is just something to think about, it’s helped me in the process of accepting death and it helps to reflect on when the void in your heart feels unbearable.

drunken note to drunken self:

stop crying

(and then deciding you’re done crying and then continuing to cry)

about dumb shit

well not really dumb shit, but shit that doesn’t matter in the long run

if you’re really as confident and independent as you claim

this is just a minor disappointment and setback

in what has been and will be a series of triumphs, failures, triumphs that become failures, and failures that becomes triumphs

do not lose faith, just lose the overcoming sense of success you feel from a solitary moment of contentment

you’re gonna be fine in any case … but it’s not always gonna feel warm

I can feel your energy from two planets away … I got my drink, I got my music, I would share it but today I’m yellin’ BITCH DON’T KILL MY VIBE!

With you, I will never act out of malice, never out of spite. If I knew how to fuck with your head, you’d be mine. Maybe I’m a little selfish in my deep-seated need to care for those I love. But if my nurture and support is not what you want (I know part of you desires it, but that’s another story), at least understand that I have only the best intentions in mind, and be gentle with me for that reason alone …

please.